Four generations of Mulgrew men. Happy Father’s Day to all the guys here. (Except Patrick.) (That we know of.)
I can’t wait to milk the shit out of this day for the rest of my life.
Boy, when I take a minute to remove my fat face from staring at my blackberry on a car ride home from work, it’s like I’ve forgotten and then have suddenly been reminded of how great NYC is (even in the rain and in traffic and leaving Midtown).
I drop my son Patrick off at daycare in the morning. This morning, I was flustered – I didn’t sleep well because I was worked up from the Real World finale (note: I watched the last 1.5 episodes, and these were the first Real World episodes I’ve seen since, I believe, 2004), I have a work event to go to tonight, and I was trying to get him out the door before the rain started.
After I changed him, I couldn’t find Patrick any clean clothes. Sometimes, my wife will leave out a little outfit, but most times, I just grab what’s in the drawers. And there was nothing good – a lot of clothes that were zero to three months (he’ll be four months old in a few days) and then underwear-types onesies in the three to six month range, which, let me tell you, are not appropriate for going out.
I did find a onesie with little anchors that simply and mysteriously was sized only “three months.” Babies clothes are almost always zero to three or three to six, so was this on the large or small end? Or was it meant to be worn only for one day, just on his three month “birthday”? Flustered and now pressed for time, I decided to put it on him.
He fought me a lot, mostly because the onesie was very tight. After I got it on him, I looked and saw that he looked like a little sausage, and the onesie was so short that I was unable to button it at the crotch. With the clock ticking and the baby getting progressively angrier, I knew it was going to suck to have to take it off him, after struggling so much to get it on him.
So I did the only thing I could think of: I cut it off him. I was very cautious and got it quickly off, without any fuss, and with a pair of safety scissors. I found a three to six month onesie, albeit one with a picture of me on it, and put him in that and took him to daycare. We beat the rain.
I sent the picture above to my wife this morning. The Dad of the Year 2013 competition is over. Winner.
(Follow up: I’d forgotten that when we went to Philly this weekend, we brought all of Patrick’s dirty clothes to wash at my mom’s house. So he actually had a ton of clean clothes, there were just in a laundry bag that I did not see.)
(Also, while my friend Kyle bought Patrick a number of onesies with pictures of me and my wife on them, and while he wears these when we take him out, we’ve never put him in one for daycare. When I handed him over to the teacher this morning, she did a double take and a long stare, so long that I had to say, “Yeah, that’s me. Long story.”)
Someone at the event at Ela on Monday night came up to me and said that David Sedaris had mentioned my book during an interview on NPR. Once I picked up the pieces of my blown mind off the floor and after thinking about it a little bit, I said, “You know, I really think I would have heard about that, if he did.” But she said, no, it’s true – she learned this after trying to check out my book from the Philadelphia Public Library, when the librarian told her about the shout-out and explained that it was the reason that all 15 copies of the book were currently checked out.
So yesterday, I spent about 14 of my 18 waking hours researching this, and…nothing. Keep in mind that I am someone who does research for work, was a history major who was close to attending grad school, and generally am the creepiest internet stalker in the greater NYC area. In short: I know how to find things on the internet. And, again…nothing. Found loads of David Sedaris NPR interviews, listened to a lot of them, and no mention of me or either of my books.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you really REALLY want to fuck with me, tell me an elaborate story about how a popular and admired (and really REALLY bestselling) author mentioned me on NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO or some other major media outlet. Because then I will be overcome by the need to verify your story (seriously, I don’t know if my son was fed or changed yesterday), and then I will be crushed with disappointment when I find out it’s not true.
(Still was a great event at Ela, though.)
Guys, the dinner at Ela here in Philly, in which you get a terrific five-course meal and get to listen to me read, is tonight at 7pm. There are a few spots available, so call Ela at 267-687-8512 to leave a message (they’re closed for this private event tonight) and make your reservation. Hope to see you there!
*****
Jason Mulgrew’s “236 Pounds of Class Vice President” comes to Chip Roman’s Ela
“… I did not have a vegetable that was not a potato, corn, or prefixed by ‘creamed’ or ‘cream of’ until college. A salad was something that came with dinner when you went out to eat and which you pushed to the side after you picked the Russian dressing-doused croutons from it.”
Chef Chip Roman and Author Jason Mulgrew share the common bond of coming of age at Philadelphia’s venerated St. Joe’s Prep, but while Jason has taken a salad-less route to becoming a celebrated blogger and New York Times bestselling author, those familiar with Chip’s history know he has mastered not just salad, but any type of menu he has ever tried his hand at writing. Together, they would like to invite you to take part in an evening of food, drink, and mildly inappropriate literature.
Monday, June 10, 2013 at 7:00 pm
Ela Restaurant
267-687-8512
3rd & Bainbridge, Philadelphia, PA
5 courses for $60 (excluding alcohol)
The evening will feature a menu designed by Chef Roman around Jason’s book “236 Pounds of Class Vice President” with Jason reading excerpts related to food, Philly, and that magically awkward time of being a teenager. It’s an opportunity to lend your support to two successful Philadelphians, eat some unforgettable food, and hob-nob with a notable, or at the very least, notorious author. Copies of the book will be available for purchase (and signing!) or can be bought in advance here.
There are only 60 seats available, so please call Ela Restaurant at the number listed above to reserve your spot!
At a wine bar with mom and dad wearing a onesie of mom and dad in Paris (and so presumably either just before or just after drinking wine). Nice little Saturday.
ol’ patch mcgrew
Oh, just touring the CVS’s and Duane Reades of Lower Manhattan, shopping for an eyepatch because my contact lens fell out and I have no replacements and an afternoon full of meetings that I can’t miss (and not enough time to go home and come back to the office). What are you guys up to?
An email post will be sent out tomorrow. We’re going back to the old school with this one. You can sign up here to receive it.
As always, I would suggest you not use a work email, due to the cussing, and I’d make sure that you have your current email address entered (e.g., gmail instead of lycos).
And as I’ve said before, though I no longer blog, I can pump out a 2000+ word post every couple of weeks. The last few have been fun to do. Hope you like this one.
I have to go shopping for clothes for this Vegas bachelor party because I’m not sure my wardrobe, which is best described as “Brooks Brothers for work, and what’s on-sale and usually ill-fitting at Banana Republic for play, since, though I’m fat but not super fat, I’m like a XXXL at places like Ted Baker and Ben Sherman, because their small sizes are tight on eight year old malnourished boys” will make the cut at the clubs. Suggestions geared for the portly yet stylish man are welcome. The look I’m going for is a white Biggie Smalls who is interested in British history and appreciates a bartender who knows when to talk and when to shut up.
