everything is wrong with me

Boy, when I take a minute to remove my fat face from staring at my blackberry on a car ride home from work, it’s like I’ve forgotten and then have suddenly been reminded of how great NYC is (even in the rain and in traffic and leaving Midtown).

Someone at the event at Ela on Monday night came up to me and said that David Sedaris had mentioned my book during an interview on NPR. Once I picked up the pieces of my blown mind off the floor and after thinking about it a little bit, I said, “You know, I really think I would have heard about that, if he did.” But she said, no, it’s true – she learned this after trying to check out my book from the Philadelphia Public Library, when the librarian told her about the shout-out and explained that it was the reason that all 15 copies of the book were currently checked out. 

So yesterday, I spent about 14 of my 18 waking hours researching this, and…nothing. Keep in mind that I am someone who does research for work, was a history major who was close to attending grad school, and generally am the creepiest internet stalker in the greater NYC area. In short: I know how to find things on the internet. And, again…nothing. Found loads of David Sedaris NPR interviews, listened to a lot of them, and no mention of me or either of my books. 

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you really REALLY want to fuck with me, tell me an elaborate story about how a popular and admired (and really REALLY bestselling) author mentioned me on NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO or some other major media outlet. Because then I will be overcome by the need to verify your story (seriously, I don’t know if my son was fed or changed yesterday), and then I will be crushed with disappointment when I find out it’s not true. 

(Still was a great event at Ela, though.)

Guys, the dinner at Ela here in Philly, in which you get a terrific five-course meal and get to listen to me read, is tonight at 7pm. There are a few spots available, so call Ela at 267-687-8512 to leave a message (they’re closed for this private event tonight) and make your reservation. Hope to see you there! 

*****

Jason Mulgrew’s “236 Pounds of Class Vice President” comes to Chip Roman’s Ela

“… I did not have a vegetable that was not a potato, corn, or prefixed by ‘creamed’ or ‘cream of’ until college. A salad was something that came with dinner when you went out to eat and which you pushed to the side after you picked the Russian dressing-doused croutons from it.”

Chef Chip Roman and Author Jason Mulgrew share the common bond of coming of age at Philadelphia’s venerated St. Joe’s Prep, but while Jason has taken a salad-less route to becoming a celebrated blogger and New York Times bestselling author, those familiar with Chip’s history know he has mastered not just salad, but any type of menu he has ever tried his hand at writing. Together, they would like to invite you to take part in an evening of food, drink, and mildly inappropriate literature. 

Monday, June 10, 2013 at 7:00 pm

Ela Restaurant 

267-687-8512

3rd & Bainbridge, Philadelphia, PA

5 courses for $60 (excluding alcohol)

The evening will feature a menu designed by Chef Roman around Jason’s book “236 Pounds of Class Vice President” with Jason reading excerpts related to food, Philly, and that magically awkward time of being a teenager. It’s an opportunity to lend your support to two successful Philadelphians, eat some unforgettable food, and hob-nob with a notable, or at the very least, notorious author. Copies of the book will be available for purchase (and signing!) or can be bought in advance here.

There are only 60 seats available, so please call Ela Restaurant at the number listed above to reserve your spot!

I’m not hungover - I’m just awake at 5:30am with an incredible headache and indigestion.

Oh, just touring the CVS’s and Duane Reades of Lower Manhattan, shopping for an eyepatch because my contact lens fell out and I have no replacements and an afternoon full of meetings that I can’t miss (and not enough time to go home and come back to the office). What are you guys up to?

An email post will be sent out tomorrow. We’re going back to the old school with this one. You can sign up here to receive it. 

As always, I would suggest you not use a work email, due to the cussing, and I’d make sure that you have your current email address entered (e.g., gmail instead of lycos). 

And as I’ve said before, though I no longer blog, I can pump out a 2000+ word post every couple of weeks. The last few have been fun to do. Hope you like this one.

I have to go shopping for clothes for this Vegas bachelor party because I’m not sure my wardrobe, which is best described as “Brooks Brothers for work, and what’s on-sale and usually ill-fitting at Banana Republic for play, since, though I’m fat but not super fat, I’m like a XXXL at places like Ted Baker and Ben Sherman, because their small sizes are tight on eight year old malnourished boys” will make the cut at the clubs. Suggestions geared for the portly yet stylish man are welcome. The look I’m going for is a white Biggie Smalls who is interested in British history and appreciates a bartender who knows when to talk and when to shut up. 

Philly people: I know what you’re doing on the evening of Monday, June 10. When else can you get a five-course meal designed by one of the best chefs in Philadelphia while a guy who wrote chapters in two separate books about discovering masturbation reads to you? (Note: I will read only dinner-appropriate stuff at this event.) Full information below. Please call Ela at 267-687-8512 to make a reservation. This will be a really fun and funny event. And even if you hate me, the food’s gonna be rurrrrrrl good.  

*****

Jason Mulgrew’s “236 Pounds of Class Vice President” comes to Chip Roman’s Ela

“… I did not have a vegetable that was not a potato, corn, or prefixed by ‘creamed’ or ‘cream of’ until college. A salad was something that came with dinner when you went out to eat and which you pushed to the side after you picked the Russian dressing-doused croutons from it.”

Chef Chip Roman and Author Jason Mulgrew share the common bond of coming of age at Philadelphia’s venerated St. Joe’s Prep, but while Jason has taken a salad-less route to becoming a celebrated blogger and New York Times bestselling author, those familiar with Chip’s history know he has mastered not just salad, but any type of menu he has ever tried his hand at writing. Together, they would like to invite you to take part in an evening of food, drink, and mildly inappropriate literature. 

Monday, June 10, 2013 at 7:00 pm
Ela Restaurant 
267-687-8512
3rd & Bainbridge, Philadelphia, PA
5 courses for $60 (excluding alcohol)

The evening will feature a menu designed by Chef Roman around Jason’s book “236 Pounds of Class Vice President” with Jason reading excerpts related to food, Philly, and that magically awkward time of being a teenager. It’s an opportunity to lend your support to two successful Philadelphians, eat some unforgettable food, and hob-nob with a notable, or at the very least, notorious author. Copies of the book will be available for purchase (and signing!) or can be bought in advance here.

There are only 60 seats available, so please call Ela Restaurant at the number listed above to reserve your spot!

My wife is trying to explain to me the whole “men’s wear” Tumblr phenomenon and I’m so confused and sad.

[insert gif of Seth Meyers saying “Really?]

“Did you see that article on the Euro crisis in this week’s Economist?”
- No one at or watching the Indy 500

To be honest, I have no idea what Monsanto is. It’s, like, vegetables, right? So, not an issue for me.

I have seen literally every Dateline.

Our air conditioners are in Philly and so we’re using fans to cool our apt and I feel like a fucking poor.

Wait, Daft Punk is the band that sang “One More Time”? Like, the shitty club song? And everyone’s flipping out over them?

Morons. Are people gonna lose it when the next Venga Boys album comes out? 

DC and Richmond peeps: I’ll be on Elliot in the Morning tomorrow (Tuesday) at 9am. If I manage to not curse on the air, it’ll be a fucking miracle.

GUYS I GOT MY HAIRCUT ACROSS FROM ED BURNS AND CHRISTY TURLINGTON! Well, across from their son, but GUYS I SAW FAMOUS PEOPLE!

Props to them for being super rich and taking their kid to a place where haircuts cost $16. If I had their kinda money, I wouldn’t even take my son to get a haircut. (What’s the point? We’re rich! Fuck haircuts - let’s spend some money!)

Did you have a good weekend? Great! Ok – enough small talk: today is the last day you can get 236 POUNDS OF CLASS VICE PRESIDENT for your e-reader for $2.99. That’s under $3. As in, three one dollar bills.

Related: this is the last day I’ll update my Facebook status with posts like these. So, win-win.

Links to order are below. As always, thanks to everyone who has bought (and reviewed!). Hugs to you all.

Kindle: http://amzn.to/170Trja

Nook: http://bit.ly/170TvPT

iTunes: http://bit.ly/UbfzCj

GooglePlay: http://bit.ly/17EiJFf

Kobo: http://bit.ly/10b884h

(Sorry for the http addresses, but I’m uploading this from my phone and it doesn’t look like hyperlinking is an option!)

I generally feel that overweight men should stick to blues and grays when it comes to suits. Any fat man in a light-colored suit runs the risk of looking like Boss Hog. And though the black suit/no tie/open white shirt look is sexy on, for example, Robin Thicke or Idris Elba, if I were to rock a black suit with no tie and an open shirt, I’d only look like an exhausted pallbearer. So I have six suits in regular rotation, three blue and three gray, in addition to the black suit I got married in (one should never wear a black suit to work, obvs).

But because I have another wedding this summer and because I really should own one (and because they’re on sale at Brooks Brothers), I’m think I’m getting a khaki-colored summer suit. Do you guys think I can pull this off?

In case you missed it, here’s yesterday’s email post with some new dad thoughts: http://bit.ly/14jdT0S.

Sign up here for the email list: http://bit.ly/ZMj997. I’ll never get back to blogging like I did in the good ol’ days, but I certainl…y think I can bang out 3000 words every six weeks or so. The last email was about a visit to the urologist and this one is about being a new dad, so the next one will probably be about picking the best retirement community.

Prince’s “1999” came on my iTunes this morning, and I was a reminded of a recent trip to Vegas in which my buddies and I went to see a Prince tribute band at the Hooters casino. It was AWESOME. Me and six other white dudes in button-down shirts, crushing $1.50 bottles of Buds and high-fiving each other, surrounded by portly women of color having the time of their lives. Great night.

(I was also …reminded that one of my rejected personal quotes for yearbook in my senior year of high school was, “Everybody’s gotta bomb, we could all die any day/But before I let that happen, I’ll dance my life away.” I know that we as a society are not ready to talk about bombs and such, but I feel I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention this.)

Best part: Bostonians have something to brag about. Such shy, humble people. #luvuboston

Man, I bet Massholes are gonna get really drunk tonight. Also, how about the bombing suspect getting captured?

Today’s barrage of Incredibly Racist Facebook Updates is brought to you by: a lack of education; seemingly no awareness at all of the world outside of the one mile radius around one’s home; what in other circumstances could be considered comical misunderstandings of foreign nations and/or brown people, but right now are actually devastatingly sad; and the letters D-U-M-B. Some of this ignorance is almost as scary as the idea of brown or brown-ish boogeymen on the loose.

C’mon, people. It’s 2013. We’re better than this. Let’s stop with the vitriol and hope for the safety of everyone involved.

Sucks for everyone named “Dzhokhar A. Tsarnaev.” Bet they’re all pissed.

Two things:

1) I sort of miss old news. That is, news the way it was done, like, in the 1980’s. You may have not have gotten it instantly, but when you did, it was correct.

2) After learning that they made an arrest in the bombings but had not released a name (which proved false – way to go, guys!), I started thinking about how all the people who share the same name as the bomber are about to get their worlds turned upside down. I’ve often thought about things like this, because I went to high school with a short, chubby white guy named Michael Jordan. He ran for student council and his speech was about how, no, he was not “the” Michael Jordan (he didn’t win the election, sadly). But you had to feel for him – he was just a kid with a name and then, when he turned eight or nine, he became the kid with the same name as the most famous athlete on the planet.

Along similar lines, someone right now is out there, living their life, enjoying their regular old name, but then, suddenly, it’s going to break: “ARREST MADE IN BOSTON MARATHON BOMBINGS. SUSPECT JASON MULGREW IS IN POLICE CUSTODY. MORE INFORMATION TO FOLLOW.”

So I guess what I’m saying is if this bad guy’s name is “Jason Mulgrew,” I’m gonna be even more pissed.

I know @nypost is not teeming with credibility, but what they are reporting (12 dead, suspect in custody), they are sure sticking with.

I would rather go to prison than to Coachella.

Tomorrow, I’m headed back to Philly for my 20 Year 8th Grade Reunion (caps throughout to express the magnitude of this event). I asked my wife if she wanted to go, and she said, “Are you joking?” So I’ll be 1) flying solo with no wife or baby 2) with a three hour all you can drink option 3) at a bar two blocks away from Jim Cheesesteak’s, and then 4) staying at my brother’s house (he’ll be out of town), which is a stone’s throw away from a Wawa.

So Saturday is already going to be the greatest night of my life and Sunday is already going to be the worst hangover I’ve ever had.

Have a good weekend, everyone!