I have seen literally every Dateline.
Our air conditioners are in Philly and so we’re using fans to cool our apt and I feel like a fucking poor.
I got hit on by a random woman while taking my son to daycare this morning. She walked alongside me, coffee in hand, and said, “I kinda want to take a picture of you right now.” When I asked why, she said I was the perfect example: in a suit, briefcase on one shoulder, diaper bag on another, pushing a stroller. She added, “It’s a great look.” This coming after our day out on Saturday, when the smoke-show bartender at Marshall Stack (who is about a 14 on the 1-10 scale) chatted me up whenever I ordered drinks, telling me what a cute baby I had.
This morning marks, I believe, the third time in my life I’ve ever been hit on. If it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone.
Therefore, single friends: Patrick is available for hire. For a low flat rate, I will throw in all the cute accessories and give you all sorts of helpful nuggets to drop into conversation with women, including but not limited to:
- “I thought I knew love. But then he came along, and, I mean, it’s just…wow.”
- “He really seems to like you! Patrick, can you say hello to the beautiful woman?”
- “He’s so cute in the tub, splashing around and laughing and having a blast. You should see it.”
- “Yes, he is very playful and happy, and also very smart. Obviously, he’s cute, too! So strange that such a bum like me made a baby like this, right?”
Please inquire within. Reasonable rates.
Yesterday, Patrick turned three months old. On Friday night, he went to bed at 10pm, woke up in the middle of the night to eat for fourteen minutes, and then didn’t wake up again until 9:30am. We then took him into Manhattan for a seven hour visit (including a stop at a bar, of course) and he was completely cooperative.
Happy three months, little boy. Thank you for being so good and easy. Because daddy and mommy still need their beers.
“God, you have no juice on Tumblr.” — My wife, because whenever I post something that is not a picture of a baby, I’m lucky to break the ten “likes” threshold.
Wait, Daft Punk is the band that sang “One More Time”? Like, the shitty club song? And everyone’s flipping out over them?
Morons. Are people gonna lose it when the next Venga Boys album comes out?
Best urinal view in NYC
(Grand Havana Room)
DC and Richmond peeps: I’ll be on Elliot in the Morning tomorrow (Tuesday) at 9am. If I manage to not curse on the air, it’ll be a fucking miracle.
He’s telling the story about how he saw U2 in Dublin in ‘83 AGAIN.
No, I will. I will miss Cheap Trick. And I’m more than ok with that.